OkCupid has conducted an interesting study regarding response rates based upon specific key words used in opening online dating messages.

Pretty fascinating, huh?

Keep reading »

A female reader forwarded to me this incredible match.com message.

Wow. The most entertaining thing is that this e-mail’s subject is “2nd attempt,” as if such an attack could be considered an “attempt” to win a woman over. Keep reading »

This is a very amusing story. If you aren’t already familiar with Tim Ferriss’s book The Four Hour Work Week, it’s a very informative piece full of tips and tricks for making the most out of your life. It also includes some nice outsourcing tips. Here, Tim explains how he outsourced his online dating, had 20 dates in one weekend, and got a long-term girlfriend out of the whole ordeal. If you are brave enough to try this, not only is Elance a good place to look for offshore labor, but also oDesk. Check out the video below.

P.S. He’s not kidding about “man jose,” I used to live there, too.

I love

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getting e-mails from you guys, especially when they’re about your successes. Here’s one I got this morning:

Russ, you are a fucking genius! I was out flailing on Match.com for a week before I read your columns and watched the tutorials Tombstone movie . I’m a guy who normally does pretty good at the bars and meeting girls in general but after I got on Match and was failing miserably I started getting seriously demoralized.

I tweaked my profile last night with the call to action (I work in marketing and have a degree in journalism so I should have known better) and added some more nuggets. I employed your techniques this morning on two girls and got positive emails from both almost immediately. I’ve gone straight for the kill with both instead of dicking around and I have something set up with the one and I’m waiting for the other to respond. This after a week of abject failure. You’re like the Arthur Laffer of dating economics. I only hope I didn’t blow it with too many potentials utilizing my old bush league techniques.

P.S. I think the mining of their profiles for nuggets was clutch, women love talking about themselves.

What great news! I think I’ll hang this e-mail up and frame it. Mine (I like that term – good one!) those nuggets, and use them in a one-line hook, guys!

There’s one very simple piece of advice you can follow to improve your online dating profile, and profile photos, and online dating messages tremendously: inject all of them with as many conversation nuggets as you possibly can.

• What is a conversation nugget? Simply, something specific and potentially interesting that can be the subject of a conversation.
• How can I start using conversation nuggets? For everything you have in your profile, photos, or messages, ask yourself “how could this start a conversation?”
  • Instead of the photo of you with a bunch of random friends, share the photo of you drinking a gigantic beer at Oktoberfest.
  • Instead of saying in your profile that you like Indian Food, name which restaurant is your favorite. Instead of saying that you’re thinking of getting a dog, say what breed you plan to get and why. Better yet, pose the question right in your profile: “should I get a Beagle or a Boston Terrier?”
  • Instead of sending a message to a match asking her about her proclaimed nutrition expertise, tell her you just ate a bunch of broccoli, and you swear you can feel the detoxifying enzymes in your body ask, “is this possible?” in one-line hook form.

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So, you’ve made first contact with someone of interest (hopefully you used the who’s viewed me shuffle and/or the one-line hook), and now you want to go on a date with them. Here are a few guidelines on how to do that. First of all, it’s better to meet very early on than to let things drag on by chatting on IM or the phone for a long time. The good girls can go very fast, things can fizzle out fast online, and you never know who will disappoint you when you meet in person, so it’s best to get right to it. Things will vary from social group to social group, but in late 20′s to early 30′s in a major metropolitan area, I have always met within a few e-mails. My typical progression may go like this:

• First contact: who’s viewed me shuffle followed by a view-back, or a wink from her, then a one-line hook
• A response from her, giving me more conversation nuggets to work with
• An e-mail digging deeper on the conversation threads, followed by a request to meet.

Building Interest With First Contact

For reference, imagine there’s a girl who has cleverly put in her profile: “I’m new to town, are there any good Thai restaurants here?” (You should put conversation nuggets like this in your profile). My one-line hook message might look like this:

Are you still looking for great Thai food? I looked for the longest time, but I finally tried a place called Tiparo’s on Clark street, and it was great! They have the best pumpkin curry I’ve had since my days in SF. Have you tried that place yet?

Best,
Russ

That’s a pretty long first message, probably more appropriate if you’ve elicited a wink using the who’s viewed me shuffle, but here’s a little breakdown:

• I’ve shown that I’m paying attention by referring to something from her profile.
• I’ve spoken of specifics: (or conversation nuggets) a specific restaurant, a specific dish. This makes the conversation richer so there’s more for her to respond to. “Pumpkin Curry” is way more interesting than “good food.” I even threw a city that I have experience with just in case she has interest in talking about that.
• I’ve ended with a question and stayed on one subject. The message is easy to respond to: there’s only two total questions, both about Thai restaurants. Yet, the message is rich with specifics that she can use to open other conversation threads.
• I’ve set up some good fodder for a date idea. You can bet that if we go out to eat, we’ll try a Thai place.

So hypothetically, let’s say she responds like this:

Good to hear from you, Russ! Yes, I have finally gotten settled in, and found a good Thai place, but I haven’t tried Tiparo’s yet. I really like Pot Pan – it’s right down the street from my house, so I go there often. They don’t have Pumpkin Curry, though – that sounds soooo good!

SF is my favorite city. Have you ever tried the Japanese Ramen place there called Katana Ya? I wish I had known in my college days that Ramen could be that good :P Why did you move?

-Rachel

Awesome. Exactly what we want. Not only is she glad to hear from us, we’ve found common ground with her: Thai food, San Francisco (we have tried that restaurant), she wants to try this Pumpkin Curry, and she wants to know more about us.

Making it Easy

At this point, we haven’t built a ton of rapport with her, so we may be more comfortable sending a message without a date request; but if you’ve gotten this much enthusiasm, strike while the iron is hot:

Good to meet you, Rachel. YES, as a matter of fact, I have gone to Katana Ya. I used to eat lunch there at least once a week. Wow, you have me craving Ramen now (unfortunately, not the kind you can get at the corner store).

My move is a long exciting story (and I have to leave some mystery, you know :P) but I just love this city and I wanted to try something new. Do you want to get a drink with me this week? I’m free Tuesday and Wednesday night at 8pm. Have you been to Beachwood Inn before? We could meet there since it’s in your area. Let me know what works for you, or feel free to give me a call at 402-555-1234.

Best,
Russ

So, in this message, I have dug deeper into the conversation thread by responding to some of the elements she had in her previous message. I’ve told her a little bit about her question, but I’ve been playful and left some conversation for when we meet later. Finally I’ve made a great request for a date. Notice these points:

• I’ve picked a place that’s convenient for her. Wow, I’m listening to her, and making it easy for her to meet me. I extrapolated from the restaurant she said she lived near what neighborhood she lives in. If I don’t know of a place there, I can check Yelp.com to find a place with a good atmosphere for conversation.
• I’ve been specific with times and dates, and I’ve given two options so we have less back-and-forth trying to get our schedules to match up.

We are making it very easy for her to decide on this. A beautiful girl has dozens, if not hundreds, of e-mails from guys. Think of how much easier it is to respond to this than “wanna hang out sometime?” Notice that I have gently offered up my phone number. This is a little gutsy, and it may be wiser to wait to give that until after I’ve gotten a date confirmation (“if you need to get in touch, give me a call at…”). You’re a busy guy with lots of dates, and you don’t want strange girls calling you any more than she wants strange guys doing so. I’ve been bold and offered it up here just to make setting a date easier.

Notice that I used our shared interest in Thai food to build rapport, but I didn’t suggest it for a first date. Your style may turn out differently, but I like to save dinner for the second date. I like to just get a drink to see how we get along and make sure she’s who I thought she was. So, I’m managing this risk by suggesting a date that can be as short, or as long, as we wish. Also note, that I didn’t ask for a Friday, a Saturday, or even a Thursday for a date. That’s valuable social real estate, and if it isn’t taken up on your calendar, it is taken up on a beautiful woman’s.

Also, because our first messages were about Thai food, we have the idea of a Thai dinner floating around in both of our heads to keep us excited for the next date (not to mention another easy decision).

So, meet as soon as possible, and make it as easy as possible for her to accept the date by picking a convenient place, specific times and dates, and at least two options. Following these tips along with a strong profile, and good first contact strategies should make securing dates a breeze.

I got a really great question from one of you folks about rejection.

I don’t like rejection, either receiving or dishing it out, but the latter a lot more so. If a woman winks and you’re not interested how should you deal with it?  Click “not interested”, send a message or just ignore it?

What about if you get to date level and you’re not interested?  Do you tell them there and then? Message them later? You were talking about doing 2-3 dates a week if you can, but that’s a lot of dishing out rejections.  How do you do that without just hurting a lot of people?  I’ve had one date of match and having to tell her not interested afterwards made me avoid the site for a while afterwards!

First of all, I don’t know if anyone likes rejecting people – or being rejected for that matter, but it’s a fact of life. Here’s a few guidelines.

• Online, just ignore. In my experience, it’s perfectly acceptable on Match.com to just ignore the winks and messages of those you aren’t interested in. In my many years using the site, I’ve only gotten the “not interested” a couple of times – but I’ve been ignored plenty of times! Keep in mind that there are tons of reasons why someone may not respond; and if it’s because they aren’t interested, don’t fret, you weren’t compatible anyway. Some people are more comfortable sending the “not interested,” and that’s perfectly acceptable too – if you’re comfortable with it.
• Manage expectations. Make it very clear that you are really actively dating, and that you’re determined to find just what you’re looking for. You don’t have to say this explicitly, though. I like to bring up the topic of our experiences with the site, trading stories a bit. This can make them less likely to assume that you’ll be interested. And if you are interested, it will make you more desirable to show that you’re active. This works better in the larger cities, where there is a larger pool, and it’s fairly obvious that there won’t be a second date unless there’s a pretty strong spark.
• Open a dialogue. Sometimes, even when I am interested, I like to say something like “hmm…so, what do you think of this?” to open up a dialogue so we can openly share with each other our observations. Be open about what you see as good, and what has you wondering. If you’re lighthearted about it, it can actually make the date more comfortable.
• Don’t look at it as rejection. Usually, it’s pretty obvious to both parties early on if it isn’t going to work out. Sometimes, “it’s not me or you – it’s us.” You should never feel bad about yourself if someone isn’t interested in you. Ultimately, you want someone who excites you, and who is excited about you – and you should never settle for less than that.

Honestly, if someone doesn’t have a grasp of what I think is usually fairly obvious, I have given, and received, the notorious “I’ll call you.” Everyone hates this, but these days everyone gets the picture. I personally think this, or simply not returning calls, is okay if things haven’t progressed…um…physically (when dating online). Beyond that, you do need to be open and honest: if you’ve gotten that far, then hopefully you have clear communication.

So, there’s my take on it, but I know opinions will differ. I’m really interested to hear what you guys think?

Able to get a response to your online dating e-mails, but don’t know what to do next? I’ll talk about that in this video:

Note that I talk about the one-line hook for writing a great first online dating message.

Here’s a video demonstrating the “Who’s Viewed Me” Shuffle, a Match.com searching technique that will get women to wink at you, thus conserving your resources and getting her to express interest in you. This puts you in a more favorable position when writing that first message.

Match.com recently released an iPhone app, so those amongst you who are lucky enough to one one of these splendid devices can quickly check the status of your account while on the go.

Using this app is much like checking your Match.com profile on your web browser, except its much more responsive since it’s in app form, and thus doesn’t have to download entire pages. The graphics and layout are also more pleasing to check because they are optimized for the iPhone’s display size. No more accidentally clicking on a profile image when you really just mean to zoom. Keep reading »

My last post where I mentioned that different sites had “genres” got me thinking. If a dating site is a song, what song would it be? Use this guide to find what dating site is right for you.

Match.com: “Toxic” by Britney Spears’

I don’t say this to imply that Match.com is actually toxic; but rather to say that Match.com is like a mainstream song that – as cool as you want to be – you just can’t help but love. Match.com has great brand recognition. As a result, it has a ton of members – and good features that allow you to sort through candidates and find what you’re looking for fast. Sure, the bleach blonde in glitter makeup likes it because she doesn’t know any better; but the low maintenance girl that looks good in jeans and a t-shirt isn’t too cool to be into it.

Keep reading »

There’s a pretty extensive overview of Match.com’s membership features and pricing, as well as other reviews of online dating sites, written by Bonny Albo, over at About.com.

Bonny ranked OkCupid as the top dating site, supposedly because it is a fun site, and free.

I know I tried OkCupid a few times, and I could never get into it:

• You have to spend an awful lot of time playing the little “games” on the site to get good matches.
• It seems to attract a certain “genre.” Lots of hipsters on OkCupid.

Keep reading »